monkeybags

I overslept 2 hours today!  I didn't have anywhere to be but the gym and being productive... so I'm not in trouble, but still.  

I think:
1. I wore myself out the last 2 days doing so much yardwork.
2. I knew that the clouds, cold and rain were returning so I feel blah.

I had dreams that I forgot all my students and they either came when I was not home or they came when I was unprepared (in jammies eating breakfast).  I also had a dream about going to the Indian store for milk and they had remodeled it and it was this super-fancy grocery store with all this high-tech check-out equipment.  I also dreamed that I stole this girl's wedding ring on accident.  That I tried it on and walked away and forgot to give it back.  It was this really pretty heavy solid gold band when i put it on and when i looked at it later, it had turned into some cheap plastic painted thing with a winking cat on it.  

Feeling pretty down.

I wish I had taken more sick days when they were free -- to be sick today will cost me $140.

:'( 

Sick today, but I don't like to be sick because I get bored. Don't want to watch a movie because a) I don't know how to work the DVD player, really and b) it's sunny outside and that seems like such a waste and c) I hate watching movies in the daytime.  I'm too foggy-headed to really concentrate on anything substantial and too sore, cold and tired to go anywhere (so I guess the sunshine isn't doing me much good except I'm enjoying it through the window).  I'll get some minor things done and a plan worked up for tomorrow's teaching.  Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then.

So what have I done with my 1/2day of sick day?
*Had watermelon
*Had Jello
*had cereal + Yogurt
*cleaned the rotten/expired food out of the fridge/Freezer
*Took out the trash
*washed towels from this weekends guests
*Cleaned up the guest room
*Lit some candles so the kitchen doesn't smell like rotting food
*made the bed
*brushed my teeth a few times (the mint in the toothpaste clears my sinuses temporarily)

A long list, but not an intense one.

I've got a student coming in 1.5hr and then hopefully I'll at least be able to make it through my evening lessons.  Well at least being a little productive makes me feel better -- but also tired.  I guess I might lie down for a few minutes...

some people are so perfect...

Pardon me while I barf. 

I am troubled.  I tell myself "Don't worry about that now.  Find something happy.  This will help you find sleep"

Think of summer. Think of the heavy air.  Thunderstorms with warm rain.
Fresh foods from the garden in a family meal. The setting sun dims, we turn on the kitchen lights. The ceiling fan moves the heavy air, drawing in the cooler evening air from the windows.
Fresh mowed grass.
THe firey sunset with clouds creeping in - half the sky turning sick.
A breeze picks up
Dark sky
Lightning flashes.
Thunder crashes...
Several minutes later, fat drops of water fall - increasing in intensity, frequency.
Downpour
wind
thunder
I never have slept better than during a summer storm

Waking up: everything is fresh. Bright. Cool.  The sun shines bright to dry the rain.


This is why I can't sleep.  I miss it.  I look forward to it again.  

 I feel powerless as I watch the numbers climb.  Nothing I can do now.

sometimes i get very depressed that my family is distant and small.  However today i realized that even though this is the case, I am still in close, good standing with everyone in my family - even if they don't talk to eachother. Thats something to be thankful for. :) 

I feel so blah today.  I just really want to sleep but i know there's plenty of things I should be doing. I just can't seem to motivate myself.  Sleep just sounds so nice.  Well first before anything, off to lesson. 

Cut my finger today.  Left middle finger. Thankful its not my right hand for functionality purposes but sucks because it intereferes a little with my playing. I have a lesson tomorrow. Oh well - we'll see, i guess.

I am happy today. I can wear some pants that were previously unattainable.  This means: more clothing options for free.   Hopefully this will be a pattern. I'm proud of myself anyway. I feel in control.  When my fattest pants were getting too tight - I felt out of control.  Refused to buy bigger pants and let THAT pattern continue...

I also got sucked into a food website today.  14 worst supermarket buys. 
http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100229943 

I realized i don't eat anything on that list. Nothing. I feel good about that too.  I haven't fallen to the pre-packaged convenient lifestyle too badly (yes I indulge in sliced bread, packaged cheeses and bagged spinach).  Sure it's easy, but look at the crap you get in your food. No, I'm happy to make things from scratch.  :)  Its scary with all the chemicals these days. You never know...  

Funny - when i was younger (high school, etc) i laughed a little at people like my current self.  Recycling? Compost?!? Home-grown? Locally grown?!  Reusing plastic ziplocs, plastic plates, plastic anything...? "green" cleaners? hahaha!  And what the hell does "organic" mean?

Now look at me...  Seattle has changed me.

Also I saw a site for superbowl "favorites" (nacho casserole, anyone?).  Looked a little gross-tastic... Yet i know if you put me in a room with nacho casserole, i'm GONNA try it.  

I had a strong craving for a campfire-cooked (and slightly charred) hot dog with loads of mustard and some onions on it.  mmm... ground up mystery meat.

I look at friends who are still back home.  I'm glad I'm out here even though the move was rough at first. I feel more worldly. I feel thankful to have been exposed to the things i've seen and to met the people I have. 

I feel happy for things :)

15. faithful friend , tryin to keep it drama free (drama just follows me sometimes) 

I have recently been having very violent, vivid dreams.  Last night i dreamed I was in line to get beheaded at the guillotine and i never got to the front of the line but I could see all the heads piling up.. Then the other night I dreamed I miscarried and at the same time got my legs amputated. very bizzare... oh i was also shovelling snow that disappeared suddenly.

Anyway here's what the dream site says:
Amputation 
To dream that your limbs are amputated, signifies abandoned talents and serious, permanent loss. It indicates your feelings of frustration, powerlessness and helplessness.� Sometimes amputation may also represent a situation that you have been ignoring and has finally reached a crisis point. In particular, to dream that your arms are amputated, suggests that you lack motivation. Dreaming that you legs are amputated suggests that you are limited in movements and where you want to go in life.

Miscarriage 
To dream that you have a miscarriage, suggests that some idea or plan did not follow through or has gone awry. The dream may also serve as a warning against your continued course of action. You should alter your path or may risk losing something of significance and value to you. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that you have been wronged in some way.

For expectant mothers, dreams of miscarriages are common in the second trimester of pregnancy.

Decapitation 
To dream that you are decapitated, signifies that you are not thinking clearly and you are out of control. You have the tendency to act before you think.

Shovel 
To see a shovel in your dream, suggests that you are seeking your self-identity, knowledge, insight, and inner intellect. You are on a quest for a new understanding of your waking life and true Self. Alternatively, you may be trying too hard in finding the truth to a problem.

To dream that a shovel is broken, indicates that you are frustrated with work. 

My sister and I were having some mutual moments of self-hatred.  We decided to make a list for ourself and the other about why we DO NOT suck at life.  Here's some sisterly-love... my list for her and myself

Sister:

1. You are honest

2. You are a dedicated mother

3. You are smart, sharp, quick-witted and learn quickly

4. You are great with people

5. you are determined and competitive

6. You are not dumb and girly: counting fat grams and calories!  - You can throw down with the boys be it sports, food or drink

7. You have HILARIOUS facial expressions (in a good way) - and can raise one eyebrow at a time.

8. You work with full force -- you don't half-ass it

9. You will give everything for someone you love (time, money, possessions)

10. You are beautiful (I put this in the magic #10 spot on purpose!) - Hair, teeth, eyes, nose

11. You have a no-drama attitude - you walk away from fights and can hold your tongue

12. you forgive but never forget.  You learn from the things you don't forget but you don't hold a grudge in that way.

13. You are adventurous

14. you give amazing, logical advice - helps me remember reality.

15. You are someone I feel I can tell everything (even shameful things) to and I will still be accepted in your eyes. 

16. You have "lonely green bean" Syndrome, too.

 

Myself:

1. You are patient

2. You are continuing the violin - hard work and practice

3. You are building a studio that is growing 1 by 1

4. You can fix [some] stuff around a home

5. You can cook - not afraid to experiment and love to cook for others

6. You have a wicked sense of sarcasm

7. You care deeply about those close to you

8. You have a passion for the unique

9. You care about your students and recognize their progress - no-matter how small

10. You are finding control over impulse and learning how to WAIT

11. You forgive readily

12. You are honest, in the end

13. You find defeat hard and ultimately have a strong competitive side

14. You have the ability to wear high heels and an inappropriate amount of jewelry and STILL do something dumb like chase someone down the street or climb a fence

15. You love animals and give them (as well as inanimate objects) a personality and feelings  

One of my students asked me today: who is Michael Jordan?

I guess an 8 year old girl might not know this? 

 When he was young, Age seemed appealing:

Family, companionship, things in their place –

To look back on with accomplishment.

Life unfolds and the taste of the tangerine

Is not sweet, but instead

Bitter

Never took that vacation to the ocean

Never heard the fat man play the ukulele

Never spent that summer at play

And never watched his grandchildren

Learn to swim in the creek.

His bed is empty – save for the dog.

The light is an unusual enemy and the dark

Is welcomed.

Solitude is solace.

The newspaper sits at the table

Waiting – just as the dog waits for food.

Unexpected companions.

He checks the listings: who is freed from

The burdens of the world?

One day his name will join theirs.

Everytime i get drunk i always have the urge to clean and organize everything in my life and home. Repentance?

I also wake up with a gripping fear that I have said something to piss someone off.

I also always feel like my body will float away because I try and drink lots of water the night before.


How is your day? 

PS: they do not have "hungover" as a pre-set mood. Lame.

I'm in the middle--- deciding if i should take the high road or the low road.  Where is the middle?  I can run between the 2 roads now, but what about when the cliff becomes too high?  Both roads lead to Hell at their extremes.

damn it all.

I'm still loving the space heater and freezing when I'm away. 

Kids are so brutally honest but they are only showing their recently gained knowledge about the world.  Because they say things in such an innocent manner, they are excused (mostly) from any hard feelings they may trigger with their comments. If these words came from an adult, all would be lost for that person. They would be labeled as rude and hurtful.  Even if spoken in innocence... So when does the line stop? 
Why do we all pussy-foot around sensitive issues? Lie to eachother? Lie to ourselves?

In addition kids make lists of their favorite things in order. (first-favorite, second-favorite).  I am someone's "second-favorite" teacher. I'll bet this kid would tell me in explicit detail his reasoning for this statement. Along with any other tid-bit of information that I wished to know (or didn't).  I didn't ask. 

I cry too much. Too easily. Too violently.
Like a child that doesn't get their way - that isn't understood.  And I was called out on it last night.

How to stop?

Willpower.

Try it. Willpower has been on my side these last couple weeks. I feel better in other aspects of my life.  Here's one more thing I can micro-manage and meticulously control.  Maybe I'll even make a spreadsheet. ;)

In other news, eating better & exercise is showing results.  Practicing, i think, i also showing results. Those 2 things make me happy. After I have the initial result - the initial gain (or loss) then I feel happy competing with myself. As if its not a lost cause.

 ironic side note: all of this crying happened... get this... after drinking a glass of wine from a bottle with a giant happy face on it...

I was at a bridal shower today. One of the things they had was an "advice clothesline" where other women wrote advice on being married.  I didn't write anything because I didn't know what to say... I didn't want to say anything dumb. Also no one knows my whole story so as far as they're concerned i'm just some girl with a boyfriend. end of story.  but as I saw these long paragraphs going on and on, i don't think its so complicated. So as an afterthought, here's what I would have said:

*Be honest - to yourself and eachother
*Be fair
*Be positive/see the good
*Forgive
*TALK
*Look at the world through your spouse's eyes (see the other perspective)